In all fairness, it is a handicapped restroom. And no, I'm not handicapped, not really, but the sign also has a picture of a girl and a boy and a wheelchair, so I feel like it's an equal opportunity bathroom. Plus, there's never a line because everyone else uses the real bathroom and waits in line forever. I like immediacy for my bathroom needs. I also like to use the pregnancy parking spots conveniently located next to the Kroger entrances.
"Oh, what, you going to call me a not-pregnant skinny bitch!?! You think I'm skinny?! Really? You are so sweet! Oh, but come over here and call me not pregnant! You wanna go?! I have a vagina, so whether or not there is a baby stuck up in there is my call mister. Back off."
Don't worry, I only park there when I'm feeling lazy.
Haha, thats everyday. Gotcha.
But if there was a serious handicapped person in my class, I would totally run it by them before I used their john. I'd be all, "Yo! I need to pee! I'm going to use your special bathroom, but only if thats ok with you. Do you need to poop? 'Cause I can wait. I'll just be a second. Peace out, dude!"
I would talk like that to make it seem like I'm all at ease and friendly with their disability and we are all the same inside and some flowers are late bloomers and we're all friends here. And if they were busy and maybe ignoring me I'd leave a post-it on the door that said something like, "knock twice if you're handicapped and I'll hurry up in here."
But really, the handicapped bathroom is really the luxury suite of public toilets, because the room is big, the door locks, and you have the privacy to do all your bathroom needs in a quiet and private area. Did I mention it's private? This comes in handy, I dunno, maybe if you drop your ID in the toilet because it was in the back pocket of your jeans and then you have to fish it out and wash it several times in scalding hot water in the sink.* Thats something that is difficult to do in a public restroom and still maintain your dignity.
The hypothetical peeing on someone's ID card is what got me thinking about the emergency button in the first place. What constitutes a serious bathroom emergency?
It's pretty high up on the wall, so it can't be a "I've fallen and I can't get up" situation. Can I use it if I run out of toilet paper? What if I clog the toilet? What if I drop something in the toilet that I really need? Can I buzz some lackey to come scoop it out for me? Who mans this emergency station? Will I be connected to 911, or some bored secretarial assistant on the second floor who is wishing she'd taken that massage course she saw advertised late night after reruns of Just Shoot Me on TBS?
God, I hope its a normal, secretarial person. How would you explain that to someone on their first day?
"Well, I need you to file, answer the phones, and if anyone calls from the bathroom, go upstairs and do their bidding."
I'm drunk with power every time I pee.
*Don't you dare squirm and pretend you've never accidently peed on something really important.
10 comments:
At least you get to be drunk with power sometimes. I've never encountered a bathroom with an emergency button. Where's my damn emergency button???
Are you sure it's an emergency button and not one of those Staples Easy buttons? I mean, I know there are times after eating and entire cheese wheel that I wish I had an Easy button in my bathroom.
ok, I admit it - I use the handicapped bathroom very frequently....but I do check for wheelchairs first.
I work in a hopsital and we don't get emergency buttons in the can! Come to think of it, that's probably for the best. We have some crazy/nasty people that come in here...I'd hate to think of what they may request after pressing the button.
I love the whole "you don't know if there's a baby up in there" argument! We don't have those spaces anymore, around here! WTF? (I maaaaaaay have parked there once.)
It seems like a taunt to put an emergency button way up high in a handicap stall, doesn't it? Like.. What if someone went to hoist themselves out of the chair and onto the can, but mis-aimed and ended up wedged between the toilet and the wall, staring straight up at the salvation emergency button... But completely unable to reach it. BOOOOOOOO!
I don't ever park in those spaces, even during my extremely difficult pregnancies.
I'm always like 'Listen here local government! I don't need your handouts. Go fix a road or something.'
I'm so jealous. The handicap bathroom I use doesn't have an emergency bathroom. so lame.
I too park in the "Expectant Mother" parking. I don't think the rest of us should have to give up good spots just because someone decided to open their legs.
I always use the handicapped bathroom stalls because I figure handicapped people don't want to be treated special. I'm all like, "Hey, handicappers. You can wait like the rest of us!"
I think they appreciate it.
I've totally dropped my ID in the toilet before. I also once dropped my cell phone in my son's crib (sweatshirt pocket) when I set him down for bed. I called it like a million times. It was on vibrate so he probably just thought he was at a posh hotel with one of those-there vibrating beds or something.
because some little brat was in the handicapped stall at the park, my kid in a wheelchair had to wait - and wet her pants. I'm sure you all think it's really funny that "no one ever uses those stalls anyway"...I sure wasn't laughing.
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