Old Folks Say the Darndest Things

I'm sorry I've been MIA lately... missing I mean, not a short Indian rapster that has one really awesome song and a bunch of mediocre ones. I hate it when people complain that they are too busy to do things. Usually, when I say I've been really busy it means that I didn't have time to take a nap that day, or I only got to watch three hours of TV, but for some reason right now I actually am busy. It sucks. I kind of see what everyone's been complaining about.

Right now my Poppop is visiting us which is awesome because he is just the absolute cutest. What is it about old people that makes them so adorable? I think it must be some sort of evolutionary development; it keeps us from just leading them out into the woods and letting the wolves finish them off when they can't work in the fields anymore. Not that we have fields to plow, or that my grandfather was ever good at things like that. But he did used to be a cheerleader. Isn't that precious? He's so proud of it.

You know that Friends episode, where Monica and Ross are talking about their dead grandma and how she always stole sweet and low packets from restaurants? We went out to dinner last night, and my grandfather took all the straws the waitress gave us and put them in his pocket. I was all, "Ummm, can I have one of those for my drink?" and he was all, "Get your own. These are the good kind of straws. I like to use them at home."

I tried to explain you can buy straws at the grocery store, but he was like, "but these are free." Which is technically true. He likes to pretend that he's one step away from living on the streets (he has plenty of money). After the meal, he always takes the leftovers home, even if he doesn't like them. And the lemon out of his drink. Still had some juice in it apparently.

Some other cute things my Poppop does:
1) He has an old person cellphone with really big numbers. I wrote out instructions for how to do things on it (like enter a new phone number) when he got it. On the back of an envelope or some piece of trash. The other day, someone was telling them their number, and he pulled out that same piece of paper I gave him years ago, and proceded to follow the step by step instructions.
2) My grandmother passed away eleven years ago, but my grandfather still gets choked up when he talks about her (she was awesome). But, my grandfather must be some sort of good looking old dude (I don't see it, sorry Poppop, you have a combover) and the old ladies at church are always bringing him casseroles and winking at him and stuff that makes him uncomfortable. On the phone at his house he has taped a list of numbers with the note: DO NOT ANSWER. When I asked him about it, he told me those were old ladies that kept calling him, and he didn't want to date them. Awww.
3) He says things like, "Frosty, dude. Frosty."
4) He bought some self tanner so he could wear shorts and his legs wouldn't look all pasty.
5) He keeps a list of all the books he reads, and writes what he thought about it in the margin. He saw me reading David Sedaris, and when he asked me about it, I told him it was funny. He must have read one after I told him that, because I saw it on the list, and next to it he wrote in all caps: NOT FUNNY. Haha, Poppop isn't ready for essays written by a gay man about drowning rats and spying on your neighbors.

I think we'll keep feeding him through the winter.

Now No One Is Going to Want to Come Over For Dinner

I'm pretty much the Encyclopedia Brown of my neighborhood. First, I collect the clues. Why did I have to give one of my dogs three baths in a 24 hour period? Why was another dog missing all day? Why is one dog covered in blood oh my god what the fuck is happening in my backyard?!

Yeh, apparently even with my Nancy Drewesque senses it still took me two days to notice that there was a bloated dead deer in my yard (in my defense it is a large fenced-in yard), and that the dogs had been snacking on it/rolling in its innards every time they went outside. With this, coupled with the maggots, and the fleas...I'm pretty positive none of you are going to want to have a sleepover.

I'm not going to hold that against you.

However, you do get some of the 'minimal nudity' I promised you, even though I didn't have the video camera on hand unfortunately.

After soaking two outfits bathing my biggest, very unhappy dog, I just stripped down to my skivvies the last time to scrub her in the tub. Even though the door was closed, apparently that doesn't deter anyone from just waltzing into the bathroom. I'm sure my brother-in-law was glad I warned him as he opened the door, "SHUT THE DOOR! I'M NAKED!"

"Aren't you washing the dog?!"

Yeh, my whole family pretty much thinks I'm nuts.

MMMhhmm

I really need to channel my activities more effectively, instead of spending my days off playing dress up in my closet and watching the Lifetime channel and talking outloud to my dogs. I was going to do a vlog, but then I was hesitant because of the mixed reaction my last vlog garnered, but then I realized that might have been because I put zero effort into my last vlog and just talked about the weather and Erin's boyfriend/husband, but then I thought, 'if I have to put a lot of effort into it, then it would be a job and not a blog,' and that was pretty profound so I just sat there for a while.
And then I got a blanket because it is freakin FREEZING in my house and my mom roommate won't let me turn the heat up anymore, because apparently it's not 'eco-friendly' or 'fiscally responsible' to wear shorts and tank tops inside during the winter even though God made heating and air so some people might show a little respect for creation is all I'm saying.

So I made a vlog and but then I had to delete it because, really, I say 'like' A LOT. And then I kept getting distracted because Real Housewives of Atlanta is on, and whenever that blonde with the wig is on the screen I cannot look away. Have you noticed that whenever she changes her wig on screen the camera pans away to something else? Do you think she's bald underneath?!

Ok, come up with a video blog idea for me to do. Nothing illegal. No nudity. Ok, minimal nudity.

I Have Desperately Single Emating From My Very Being

I don't want to go on a date with your son.

Any of you.



I appreciate the offer. Mostly. I mean, its nice that you think I'm cute and polite enough to want to set me up with your spawn. But then I get the feeling that maybe I just look easy to control and/or desperate. Which I'm not. Mostly.



It's not that you aren't all nice ladies. I really enjoy our time together knitting. Or you seemed really nice when I helped you pick out hair products. I'm just not sure I believe you when you say your son is really good looking. I mean, as the mother, you are contractually obligated to say things like that. And I'm sure you think he's funny and charming. It would be more shocking if you didn't think these things.

But...
You aren't actually really creating a strong selling point for your son by trolling for dates for him. Instead, you are causing me to question why he needs your help to get dates. Or why you were cleaning his room to begin with, if he lives in an apartment an hour away and is 26 (and of course I can see why you dislike his former girlfriend after you found that birthday card bad-mouthing you after you went through his things).
On that note, actually, maybe you are too involved in his life for there to be any room for me. You just painted a picture of you being a really really involved, co-dependent mommy. I don't think I want to get between you two.

PS
It's just creepy for you to make hair appointments for your son if he's in his mid-twenties. Ditto for driving him there and bringing pictures for how you want his haircut.

"Fleas" Read This: HAHA puns are hilarious

We have fleas in my house. Fleas. It makes me feel medieval, and not in a good way. Not in a 'sexy, Robin Hood, wenches, and flowy dresses with lots of cleavage' way, but more in a 'no indoor plumbing, black plague' kind of way.
With five dogs you'd think that fleas would be a common problem, but actually this is the first time in probably ten years that I've encountered fleas.
I saw this episode of Wife Swap, where one of the houses belonged to a family that thought they were pirates (where do they find these people?!) and, the dad was actually the guy that came up with Talk Like a Pirate Day, so I guess they are kind of legit as far as pirates go, but anyway, they had ONE dog and the poor Wife Swap new wife was complaining that anywhere she sat she got covered in fleas, and she woke up after sleeping in the bed covered in flea bites. And the pirate dad was all, "that's just what it's like when you have a dog." And I was all, "Whaaaat?!" 'cause that is not what it's like for 90% of American's that own dogs. I hope. Because there are things you can do, you know?

I'm sorry, that took an embarrassingly long and boring tangent. The moral of the story: having fleas in the house just makes me want to abandon it and move somewhere else. Or burn it down and start over.

Great, now I feel itchy.

I Was Going to Write about Something Else But Then I Forgot What That Was

Chicago was so awesome it took me almost a week to recover, and thank you for all of your cool suggestions, but to be honest mostly I just went to bars and ate a lot of food, but I also did go to the Navy Pier and happened to see some dancing and singing pirate kid show being performed to the SNL song "I'm on a Boat!" which I don't really think is a 'kid friendly' song, but they conscientiously bleeped out the 35 "MOTHERFUCKERS!" parts so, you know, maybe it is.
Then this week was just a blur of washing all my clothes and letting my body sweat out all the alcohol and cigarettes from my pores (when I'm on vacation I let myself smoke...vacation counts as anywhere outside a 30 mile radius from my home), and going to work.
I think I've mentioned that I am again working at the salon where we read bible studies about sperm before we open, but I'm also working at a publishing house (hopefully my future career). But right now all I do there is eat the free bagels and read stuff out of the slush pile. Mostly I just send out massive amounts of kindly worded rejection letters, unless something is really special, and then I save it so we can all read it and make fun of it later.
Like, if you write a children's book about sex addiction.
Or a read-aloud book about a ghetto black snake, complete with illustrations of a phallic-ish snake wearing an afro. And a gold chain.
Or any story about adoption, illustrated by pictures you took of your dog (or cat) dressed up, taken with a disposable camera (I get at least one of these a day).

It's pretty much the best job ever.

Quick Note about my weekend Plans

I'm flying to Chicago today to visit some friends from college- I'm excited because I haven't seen them in forever and I've never been to Chicago. From talking to my friends that live there, apparently all they ever do is go on bar crawls....pirate bar crawls, snuggie bar crawls, I think I saw pictures from a Ninja Turtles bar crawl. So I might have to fashion a last minute costume. Plus I was informed that there is an American Girl Doll store close by, so that's a big draw.

Seriously, did ya'll have those dolls? They are freakin' expensive as all get out!- but I loved mine. It was Kirstin. I have a cousin named after her.

Really, named after the doll.

Anyway- if there is anything special I should check out in Chi-town let me know.